Updated 17 Dec 02001.

The Col. and the Capt. are Aliens!

Bet you thought the Col. was just some Suth'n gentleman in a string tie.

How wrong you were! After brief, cursory, yet fully exhaustive research, my artist's impression (above) shows the true likeness of the Col., never before seen. See his alien hands and feet, conveniently edited out of most pictures of him! What devious alien deeds is he doing here on Earth? Only the chickens know, and they're too scared to talk!

And you'll note that current advertisements have him in full body; obviously one ripped from a host human. And what of the chickens that cavort happily, unaware of their future?

I ask: Would you buy a used chicken from this man?

The Capt., too!

Those aren't epaulettes; they're scaley wee claws! And how did those eyebrows get in the hat? The only rational explanation is that it's part of his grotesque alien body.

We're unsure of his plans, but we do know it involves over-consumption of sugar and mouth laceration amongst addicts.

If I get sued for this, it proves three things:

1. There are legal types with too much time on their hands,
2. Multinationals can't take a joke, and
3. I ought to get out more...