stick it up yer nose

toothpastefordinner.com: mouth breather
from toothpastefordinner.com : original image

If you’d told me even six months ago that I’d be scooting a quarter litre of warm saline up my nose every night, I’d be all like, “yeah, chinny reckon”. But sadly, and this may be heading into TMI territory, it’s true.

For many years, my nose wasn’t much more than decorative. Too blocked to provide a useful means of breathing or sensing smells, it got only occasional use as a sunglasses bracket. It also had unpleasant nocturnal habits, ones best not described here.

A month or so ago, I decided I’d had enough. I went to the pharmacy and got one of those squeezy bottle things that comes with the little sachets of salt+bicarb. I can smell again! I can actually use my nose for breathing!!

Those two benefits are pretty awesome, but the whole process isn’t a bed of roses:

  • yeah, you really need to do the kha-kha-kha thing with your throat, unless you like aspirating saline.
  • every night, it still feels a little like drowning, and hasn’t really got any better.
  • A sinus can still surprise up to an hour later, when an unexpected head tilt can produce a deluge too large for any tissue.
  • if the water’s too cold, it feels like being stabbed in the head. From the inside.
  • I’m much more in touch with my mucus than I want to be, and far, far more than you’d want me to be. I mean seriously, some of the things that I get out … well, let’s just say I’ve measured from nostrils to bronchi, and these luminous sinus puppies would easily stretch that far.
  • The results are nothing like the video. They’re all serene, like they’re getting their Deva Premal on; me, I’m left snotty and spluttering.

So, it works for me. But we’re all glad that I’m not sharing the details, aren’t we?

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